Because everything is terrible and it's everyone else's fault.

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No one loves me, and what’s worse is that the people who say that they love me are just doing their best not to “break character” and burst out laughing.

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I’d be much less depressed if they’d just figure out a way to put Greek yogurt in I.V. form. This would allow me to drift in and out of sleep in arbitrary and often unrecognizable bursts as I continue watching that T.V. show that managed to run a healthy 20 seasons.

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I’m going to call watching an entire television series — without completing anything else except eating, sleeping, or moving of bowels — a productive accomplishment. The task before me, then, is to find the longest-running television series in history that I also do not have to pay any money to watch.

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Maybe instead of moving the car so it doesn’t get a parking ticket, I could just drive away so I would never bother anyone else ever again, oh god I bet the car already has a parking ticket because I was too stupid to move it earlier.

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Someone should make a YouTube video that combines a montage of inter-species friendships with the Schindler’s List theme, so it looks like every pair is about to be irrevocably separated.


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Need chocolate milk. Out of milk. Will squeeze a quarter bottle of syrup onto a piece of white bread and call it a pastry.

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Rather than go outside once today, I could instead just sit on the side of the couch where the sun shines in your face for an hour in the late afternoon.

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The chances of my application for this job even being acknowledged are 100:1, whereas the odds that I can successfully find and watch the entire first season of Herman’s Head from some torrent site is 1:1. Logic prevails.

Filed under crydeas

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"I should go to the convenience store and buy a package of E.L. Fudge. Then I should eat the E.L. Fudge in one sitting along with a half-gallon of milk, and then lie down with old episodes of NewsRadio on Netflix Instant and snicker and moan, bloated and alone, until I fall asleep.”

Filed under crydeas